


Draw That Line (When It Starts To Get Too Real)

by bythelightofthenight



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Coming of Age, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:59:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8011045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bythelightofthenight/pseuds/bythelightofthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>When he falls in love for the first time, he's 16.</i>
</p><p>Nathan and his friends' lives through the years, from teens to adulthood, falling in and out of love, overcoming obstacles on the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Draw That Line (When It Starts To Get Too Real)

**Author's Note:**

> on the day that a year ago was the first showing of friends au and also the last day of my high school career, here's sth new. 
> 
> to my ravenbell folks, who are my people, i'll tell you now that they're not endgame in this particular fic but if you handle multishipping and/or trust me you're fine.
> 
> warnings for internalized homophobia throughout the fic though it's discussed and dealt with in a supportive manner, coming out to a family member, anxiety and depression, dead parent mention ...... happy ending tho
> 
> if you liveblog pls tag me @natharmiller

When he falls in love for the first time, he's 16. His best friend Bellamy's got a wide smile and unruly curls, and Nathan’s only human. 

He doesn't date in high school. He's too busy playing basketball and trying to pass chemistry. Math he's doing quite well in. Bellamy whines about it every time they get a test back. 

Bellamy dates in high school. He's got a few girlfriends and one boyfriend. When he asks Nathan who he likes, he shrugs. It's the best way to put it. When Bellamy asks carefully if it's a boy or a girl, he shrugs again. He's not ready to say it's just boys, yet. He gets there about a year later. 

High school is tough. There's hormones and a natural flare for dramatics. He keeps his eyes down in the locker room. Bellamy messes around and laughs a lot. Sometimes at night when he stands in the shower, his eyes prickle for no reason. 

Bellamy likes boys and he likes girls. But he's not in love with Nathan. It hurts for a long time. But he never loses Bellamy. In the end it's the one heartbreak that is for the best. 

His first kiss is at a party. There's nervous giggles and loud music. He kisses one of his classmates. He's 17 and tipsy. The boy pulls back after the needed three seconds and grins sheepishly. Nathan's skin is on fire. The colorful lights turn his vision red. He tells Bellamy about only liking boys two days later. 

Bellamy's not drunk when they kiss each other for the first time. Nathan is. He's had one too many cups of the suspicious punch and he's miserable. The kiss happens when Bellamy's getting him home. They stand on the porch of the Miller house and Bellamy holds his face between his hands. 

“Don't be too hard on yourself”, he says and kisses Nathan's lips. 

It does cheer him up. Because no matter what he'll always have Bellamy. Even if they aren't in love. 

\-- 

They graduate high school. His dad and Bellamy's family are in the crowd. During the speeches about the future, there's an itch under his skin. It's been there for a long time, only getting worse as he ages. 

He has a bright future. That's what they say. Nathan’s not sure what it means. He's ready to give it a go, but he's afraid he'll disappoint them. 

He's 18 and he hasn't told his dad about being gay. Around Bellamy he's gotten himself used to the word. Around everyone else he stays quiet. 

David Miller is a trusted member of the community. He's a widowed police chief, who's welcome in any house in the neighborhood. Nathan knows he loves him. He's just too scared to find out if there's a limit. 

Bellamy told his sister first. Octavia's only 12, but she loves her brother more than anyone in the world. She says it's fine as long as they don't fight over boys. 

Nathan doesn't have siblings. His mom died when he was very young. David stayed together with the help of the community; their neighbors took care of Nathan when he wasn't feeling well and they had a standing invitation to dinner in at least a dozen homes. Sometimes he wonders if he would've told his mom. 

As they're heading off to college, his dad tells him how proud of him he is. He doesn't know what to say so he hugs him again. 

\-- 

The voice in his head gets louder in college. It's the same one that told him everyone would be weirded out in the locker room if they knew. It feeds on every negative thought in his head. He doesn't let it out. 

The party is loud and too hot. He's 18 and against the door of someone's bedroom. The boy is on his knees in front of him. No matter how many times he's gotten himself off, it couldn't have prepared him for this. The boy swallows and stands up. Nathan’s dizzy with cheap beer and endorphins. He kisses the boy's neck clumsily until he comes. 

He gets tucked back into his jeans and a pat on the shoulder and the boy is gone. He didn't know it was Nathan's first time. There's a stain on his thigh and the high is gone. He gets out of there, his head swimming. 

After a shower he crawls into bed and finally replies to Bellamy's texts on where he disappeared. It takes a half an hour for Bellamy to lie down behind him with a groan. 

“Rough night?” 

He nods and Bellamy holds him tighter.

He smells of cheap beer and smoke, but Nathan loves him. He loves him like a best friend and misses the times when it felt like true love. 

\--

Bellamy cracks near the end of their first year. He stays in bed for almost a week. His mom visits and looks worried. 

He gets sent to the school psychologist. When he gets back, he looks more like himself. Nathan lies with him and Bellamy talks about how he's always needed to be the loudest so no one can tell how bad he feels about himself. How when people looked at him he wanted them to see his body first and leave it there. How his overachieving academically finally took him down. 

After his speech he shrugs, his lower lip shaking. Nathan tells him how brave he is and hugs him as long as he needs. 

Things return to normal rather soon. Bellamy still wants to go to the gym, not because he has to, but because he wants to still be strong enough to pick up his sister. When they're too tired or hungover to go, he carefully practices not punishing himself for it. 

At parties, Nathan sticks to his side. Boys smile at him and sometimes he smiles back. But before he goes behind the door he takes a shot or two or three. So when they leave him cold, he doesn't feel it until the next day’s hangover hits. 

\-- 

Their second year rolls around more gently. Classes make them work but it's a comforting routine. Bellamy feels much better after the summer and spending time at home. 

Nathan’s summer wasn't that interesting. He hooked up a few times with a boy called Bryan he met online. Bryan lives one town over. It felt safe. Still, at the door of Bryan’s building, he looked around in suspicion as he waited for the boy to buzz him in. 

Bryan was the first boy he let fuck him. It was a little uncomfortable and strange at first, but he got into it. In the train on his way home, he still felt bad. It was like as soon as the sweat cooled on his skin he was back to self-loathing. He and Bryan weren't dating. They didn't have much in common anyway. 

There's a girl at school. Her name is Raven, and Bellamy swears he's in love. Raven is witty and gorgeous. Her long brown hair falls in waves on her shoulders and her eyes sparkle when she gets excited. Nathan can't blame Bellamy for falling fast. 

Raven’s studying physics and engineering and her intelligence terrifies the two of them at times. She fits with them, though. She joins Nathan in teasing Bellamy when he gets especially geeky and she doesn't make things awkward when he steps into Bellamy's room and she's only wearing his t-shirt. 

Nathan tells Raven that he's gay. It feels good. Raven likes girls too. It soothes him whenever he remembers it. 

Their friend group keeps growing. The boy's name is Lincoln and he's taller than the three of them. He's studying sociology and he's a great listener. Lincoln has a long distance girlfriend. They've been together for nearly a year. Nathan's grateful for the company when Raven and Bellamy lose sense of time together. 

\-- 

During junior year there's an accident. They rush to the hospital and wait and wait and wait. Raven’s car was hit by a drunk driver. She doesn't come out of surgery until very late at night. The doctor says she's stable but she might never walk again. 

As they sit on the uncomfortable plastic chairs of the waiting room, Nathan prays to a God he hasn't wanted to think about in a long time. Bellamy's asleep against his shoulder. Lincoln’s eyes are shut, but he's not sleeping. 

Raven goes through rehabilitation and it's incredibly hard on her. She turns moody and her anger is explosive. They stick with her as much as she lets them. She can't feel her left leg anymore. Nathan sees her once through the small window in the door. She's sitting on the hospital bed and hitting her thigh as hard as she can. Her leg doesn't move. 

One day a man appears at school. Raven looks surprised to see him. His name is Sinclair and he used to be Raven’s foster dad. They talk for a long time at the table of a diner. It gets better afterwards. Sinclair sticks around and Raven starts seeing the psychologist at the rehabilitation center. 

Nathan gets set up for a blind date. His name is Drew and they have dinner. For a blind date it's not too bad. They take a cab to Drew’s place and fuck on the couch. He leaves afterwards and Drew simply goes to bed. 

He's had plenty of hookups in the past few years. They all handled him into the position they wanted him in and got on with it. They take too long or not long enough with their fingers, but instead of words Nathan uses his elbows on their ribs. There was no talking besides the random words mumbled through hazy orgasms; it remained impersonal. 

It's why he really tries with Drew. They get along well enough to get through dates without too many awkward pauses. He wants it to feel right. He wants to _want_ to stay. He wants everything to click into place. 

He tries fucking Drew. It doesn't help. He prefers being the one getting fucked. They don't talk about it but it's not too hard to get the message across. Once he's come, his stomach is an empty pit and his skin feels too tight. None of it changes things. 

Lincoln advises him to communicate his feelings. How he ended up telling Lincoln about his sex life, he doesn't know for sure. His earnest face and calming voice somehow make it worse. 

He doesn't want to talk to Drew about his fantasies or feelings. The physical aspect of their relationship is fine, but they don't talk about really personal things. Nathan keeps trying. They get along. Even then he can't make himself stay the night. 

One of his professors Indra makes a reference to her wife. The classes become his favorite. 

Once he falls asleep and stays at Drew’s by accident. In the morning his skin is prickling when Drew tries to touch him. He leaves with an excuse. It's not Drew's fault. 

In the end it's not him who ends it. Drew gets tired; he wants a man who wants hold hands with him in the street and can explain himself when he acts strangely. Nathan agrees that he doesn't do that. He's not sad when Drew leaves. There's a sadness in him but it's for something else. Maybe Drew was the right one after all. He can't tell. 

\-- 

Lincoln and his girlfriend are fighting. He looks like he hasn't slept in a while when he shows up for class. When they try to talk to him, they have to repeat themselves a few times before the message gets through. 

Maya is a girl who Nathan started talking with one day and soon enough she's going on lunch dates with Raven and geeking out with Bellamy. She's originally from Russia and her calls to her dad make them giggle. She says had she been born in the country, she'd become the president one day. They believe her. 

Raven and Bellamy break up. It's not a messy event. They're too close as friends to hurt each other. Besides, they've both felt it fading. So they decide to be single again. It's possibly the cleanest breakup in history. 

“We love each other too much to be mean.” Raven shrugs. “But there's also too much respect between us to try to drag it out when we can still be friends.” 

Maya and Nathan applaud her while Bellamy snorts. Lincoln’s staring at his phone on the table in front of him. 

He and Luna work things out. It takes a two-hour call and the right time and things are okay again. 

Graduation is approaching. Nathan and Maya sit in crappy lawn chairs outside the dorms, gazing up at the stars. A bottle of wine shared between them, they enjoy the warming night. Raven and Bellamy have taken Lincoln on a road trip to see Luna. Every now and then Nathan's phone buzzes with a message from Bellamy, letting them know which obnoxious summer hit he's torturing Raven with. 

“My?” 

“Yeah?” She lets out a tiny hiccup and giggles. 

“You're a lesbian, right?” 

“Oh yeah.” 

“How did you... get over it?” 

He doesn't have the right words but she gets him anyway. 

“It took me a long time. I was sure I'd die alone and sad.” 

“What changed?” 

Maya lets out a soft laugh. “I fell in love.” 

“Really?” 

“Well. I was 18 and we met at a truckstop in Kentucky. But yeah. I was in love. And I realized that something that beautiful couldn't be a mistake.” 

Nathan stays silent. She glances at him with a knowing but gentle look in her eyes. 

“It was the smell of her hair. And she had really soft skin. My heart would beat so fast when she texted me. And when she kissed me, it was the most incredible thing.” 

“Are you still together?” 

“No. We dated for like two months.” 

Nathan stares at her incredulously. 

“It wasn't that falling in love suddenly fixed my internalized shit. But sharing things with someone made me feel stronger. And I kept working on it. Hon, there's no quick fix for any of this.” 

“I know”, he says. “I just can't -- There's too many what ifs.” 

“You can wait for the right person. They will come. But they won't do the work for you.” 

He hasn't said anything about that but she seems to know anyway. 

“It's unfair, I know. But it won't always hurt.” 

He just sighs, taking a chug from the bottle. 

“So much self-examination, right?” 

“Too fucking much”, he huffs. 

\-- 

He lives through finals. They all do. 

After the almost 24-hour nap he took after his last exam, Nathan's groggy and unable to fight an impulse that strikes him. He'll be out of the support system that is school very soon. No one's there to stop him. 

He knocks on the door. 

As he steps in, Indra looks up from her laptop. “Mr Miller. How can I help you?” 

He takes a seat across from her. He doesn't know how she can help him, but suddenly he's talking and can't stop. Indra’s eyes widen as words pour out of his mouth uncontrollably. 

What he says is by definition his entire life story, all packed into a jumbled mess of words. Once he's finished and the shame of his outburst hasn't hit yet, he feels light, like he could float out of his chair with relief. 

Indra clears her throat. “You are aware that I'm not a mental health professional, yes?” 

He nods. 

Indra lets out a breath and her features soften. “I can tell you you're not the first one to _open up to me_. Usually it's not in quite as many words, but I've considered adding more office hours.” 

Nathan stares at her blankly. He's out of words. 

“I won't be your professor much longer so, if I may, I'd like to talk to you as one adult to another.” She takes off her glasses and rubs the bridge of her nose. “We all go through hardships in life. No matter what we do we'll be faced with them. I married a man when I was young and scared. I got a close friend and beautiful children from it. But I didn't truly find peace until I started being honest to myself. Because you're the person who most deserves it from you.” Indra shakes her head. “Your friends. They've had all kinds of ups and downs over the years you've known them. How did they get through them?” 

He thinks he already told her. “Bellamy stopped being so hard on himself. Raven accepted her disability as a part of her. Lincoln didn't want to give up on his relationship. And Maya... She found strength in the positives.” 

“And what connects them?” Indra stands up and closes her laptop. “I have to go teach a class. Think about it. You know where to find me.” She stops next to him. “But Mr Miller. If things do get bad, there's no shame in looking for professional help. Needing some extra support is no weakness.” 

Nathan's left sitting in her office in stunned silence. He went to confess and he got _homework_. 

He finds his friends outside, sprawled on the grass under the sun. They let him sit in silence when they notice his mind is somewhere else. He thinks of everything that's happened, leafing through his memories. What connects them? 

Raven let Sinclair help her and went to talk to a professional. Bellamy did the same after hitting a wall. Lincoln didn't let a bad thing make him forget his feelings for Luna. Maya let the girl in and enjoyed her first love as long as it lasted. They all...

Nathan sighs. “Do you think I'd be happier if I was honest about my feelings and communicated my thoughts more directly?” 

There's a pause. 

“Oh yeah”, Raven and Lincoln say while Bellamy and Maya nod adamantly. “Absolutely.” 

“Great”, he huffs. 

\-- 

As they return home, all brand new college graduates, it's time for job hunting. Nathan takes things slow; moving back home is fine with him and his dad loves the company. 

Raven goes to work in an electronics store and an auto shop to save up money. She wants to be able to buy her dream apartment one day. For now she lives in a tiny place with her roommate Anya. 

Maya and Lincoln get a place together. She doesn't want to go back home. Lincoln looks for work in social services. He applies for as many courses as he can to add to his résumé. Luna comes to stay with him for a few months. They're both saving to be able to move in together. Lincoln tells them he's planning to propose and they tackle him in a hug. 

Things happen fast for Bellamy. He meets a lawyer. He gets a job as a museum tour guide and loves it. He falls in love with Wells the lawyer. They move in together. Bellamy rarely stops smiling. 

Nathan goes to see a doctor. Her name is Dr Tsing and she makes him feel safe enough to share things with her. He goes to see her twice and they just talk before she tells him if he doesn't feel like therapy is what he wants, they could try an anxiety medication if he promises to come see her for checkups. She seems certain talking will help him even if it isn't a weekly appointment situation. 

He agrees to her terms because they sound smart. After all, he's testing out this _being more open and honest_ thing. He even agrees to come in for a fourth appointment now, just to talk. 

Dr Tsing asks about things like his relationship with his dad and when he thought he first had depressive episodes in his life. It's all quite new to him. He never considered the feeling in his skin to be anything special. It had been happening for so long. 

Without even noticing he ends up talking about his sexuality. How the fearful and doubtful thoughts expand in his head to something insuperable. How he doesn't let himself be comfortable. How tired and lonely he feels. 

Dr Tsing mentions something about hormones and he asks for her to explain. She tells him about sex being followed by an increased feeling of anxiety and depression and how it's not that uncommon. He sucks it up and asks if anything can fix it. 

Dr Tsing smiles encouragingly. “While the medication might have the side effect of a lower sex drive, the balancing of serotonin levels can help with those feelings in the long run.” 

“Let me guess. It can also help if I feel secure and comfortable with a partner?” 

“Sure.” 

“I'm starting to think the secret to happiness is some plain hippie shit. Any chance you can prescribe me some pot to help the process?” 

“Good effort”, Dr Tsing chuckles. “You don't have to be happy all the time. Just try to be merciful with yourself. It goes a long way.” 

He sighs. “Right.” 

\--

There's a game on. Nathan and David sit on the edge of the couch, occasionally breaking out in yells. They reach halftime and David settles back on the couch. Nathan stays on the edge of his seat, his hands balled into fists. 

“Dad?” 

He makes an acknowledging noise. 

“I'm gay.” 

“Okay.” 

Nathan turns to him, all the tension leaving his body in a breath. “Okay?” 

“I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. I panicked.” 

Nathan stares at him with his mouth stuck open. 

David clears his throat and puts a hand on his shoulder. “I'm glad you told me. I love you, kid.” 

“Now you went and pulled the ‘I love you’ card.” He wipes his eyes. David chuckles and squeezes his shoulder. His eyes shine in the glow of the TV. 

They hug and Nathan tries not to beat himself up. The voice tells him he was stupid for not doing this sooner. All that trouble and feeling bad for years when nothing happened. 

“You're not telling me now because you want to bring someone over, are you? One of us has to clean.” 

He laughs, relaxing against the couch. Once the game is over he'll call Bellamy. 

There's still a lot of things he wants to ask his dad. Like if he starts seeing someone, will he tell people about his son and his boyfriend. Or what he’ll say when someone isn't okay with it. But it can wait for now. He's trying to enjoy one victory. 

\-- 

Lincoln’s finally moving. He and Luna have bought a house, the sale is made. They throw a big party for the couple as a sendoff at Bellamy and Wells’. Maya brings her new girlfriend Harper. There's plenty of people Nathan's never met before. 

Raven has her roommate Anya with her and he spends a good while talking to her. He's trying not to drink too much. Even though the third medication he tried has now been working well for a while, he knows what he's like when he's drunk. 

Bellamy's keeping an eye on him from under Wells’ arm. Raven and Wells are caught up in an intense conversation while Bellamy's enjoying being arm candy. Nathan rolls his eyes at him. 

When he goes to the kitchen to grab himself something virgin, Bellamy follows him. 

“You feeling okay, buddy?” 

“Bell. I'm fine. Me not drinking is me being smart.” 

“I miss us being young and dumb”, Bellamy sighs. 

“Shut up. You love your life.”

“I do. And I love you.” 

“We could still elope.” 

Bellamy holds his chest. “You mean it?” 

Nathan throws a bottle cap at him. “Go make out with your boyfriend.” 

“If you insist.” Bellamy grins and walks back out. 

A man walks in right after him. He grabs a beer from the fridge while watching him intently. Nathan glances at him a few times but he doesn't stop looking. 

“Hi. I'm Monty. I don't know you.” 

“Nathan. I went to college with Lincoln. I don't know you either.” 

“I used to work with him. But I moved to web design and programming and all that.” Monty leans on the counter next to him. “What do you do?” 

“I'm a statistician.” 

“Ouch.” 

Nathan huffs out a laugh. “I know.” 

He feels his skin tingling. It makes him tense at first, but it's not a nagging feeling. He feels _flustered_. 

Monty sticks to his side the whole night and he doesn't mind. They keep talking. It's light and casual, but no matter what he's talking about, Monty watches him carefully. 

He’s tried to go on a few dates. Instead of becoming something, they've felt like examinations. It's not that he didn't make an effort. But he spent the nights at first trying to stop thinking he _had to_ make it work, then arguing with himself whether or not he should sleep with them. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. 

With the current meds, the moments after sex got easier. Sometimes he even told them what he wanted them to do, during. But he found himself thinking the men he was with bored him. He wasn't interested in seeing them again. 

He got up to four dates with Jones, a nurse at the hospital Dr Tsing works at. They didn't have sex on the first date because he had morning shifts all week. After coming out to his dad, he found being on dates in public became easier. He and Jones actually had fun together. 

Before they stopped seeing each other they had a talk. It was the most personal conversation Nathan had had with a man he was seeing. Jones said he was looking for the real thing. He wanted a deep romantic connection with someone. Nathan asked if he felt like they were friends with benefits, too. Jones agreed with the description. 

“Dude. It sounds a little like you want all that love crap too”, Raven said when he told them. “You don't get bored like that fucking someone you actually like.” 

He hasn't been in love since Bellamy. It's about time, he figures. 

“So.” Monty appears next to him. He was only gone for a moment as everyone's preparing to leave. “I might've asked Lincoln if you're gay so I could ask you out.” 

“Oh.” 

“Is that an ‘oh, climb me like a tree’ or ‘oh, what a creep’?” 

“Not the second one for sure.” 

Monty grins. He hands him a napkin with his number scribbled quickly on it. “Call me, yeah?” 

“Okay.” 

The smile Monty flashes him is worth his friends attacking him the second he's out the door.

\--

Raven moves into her new apartment with her friends as unpaid helpers. Her roommate Anya moves with her. Apparently they've started dating at some point. 

“Thanks for telling us”, Bellamy says. 

“I was afraid your drama queen ass would throw me a party or something”, she replies. 

They all miss Lincoln. Adulthood is no fun. So when the wedding invitation comes in the mail, the bachelor party they plan is of epic proportions. 

Nathan goes out with Monty. They go to dinner together. He's nervous, having built it up in his head, but the fact that he's been texting Monty for a bit helps. Monty tells him being nervous makes it much cuter and way more legitimate as a date. 

“I usually sleep with guys on the first date”, Nathan states in the after dinner discussion on should they still do something. 

Monty nearly chokes on his water. “Oh-kay. Is that like an ‘I only want to hook up’ thing or an incredibly sneaky seduction technique?” 

“It's not greatly recommended.” 

“Then you should know I'm definitely not sleeping with you even though I'm very much thinking about it right now.” 

Nathan laughs. They go on a walk in the neighborhood. Monty grew up there and he points out places such as ‘best makeout spot’ and ‘broke three ribs trying to climb that tree’. 

“What are the restrictions on kissing on the first date?” Monty asks when they arrive at his car. 

“Unspecified.” 

He's always liked kissing and it's no different with Monty. Monty’s hands are on his neck and he can probably feel his pulse jumping under his fingertips. 

“Please tell me you’ll go out with me again”, Monty breathes out when they’re still only inches apart. 

Nathan watches his eyes flutter open. “Yeah... I guess.”

Monty punches his shoulder lightly. 

“Thank you, though. For this. I had a great time.” 

“My pleasure.” Monty straightens his collar. “In fact any time.” 

He goes home and it’s hard to stop smiling. Bellamy, Raven and Maya have sent him a total of sixty texts. There’s one from Lincoln that just says “good luck :)”. 

\--

He lets Monty take him out again. And again. They go see a terrible movie together. They go out to eat with Wells and Raven and Anya. They go to a carnival that’s in town. Monty tells him to win him something, believing he won’t. He hadn’t mentioned his high school basketball career yet. Monty gets a shamrock keychain. It’s hideous. Monty kisses him for it. 

When Monty finally pushes him down on his bed and climbs over him, it's quick and desperate. They lie next to each other afterwards, trying to catch their breaths. Monty panics when he tears up. 

“Oh, shit. What's wrong? Fuck.” 

Nathan's sniffling helplessly. Monty strokes his arm as he tries to calm down. He's done it again. They should've talked before doing this. He should've laid it all out so Monty knew what he was getting into. Though, he's not entirely sure why he's so emotional. The urge to go is an old habit. He doesn't want to follow it. 

“I know I can do better than that, but god, please, talk to me.” 

He nods, wiping his eyes and focusing on evening out his breathing. The sudden burst of emotion fades as soon as it appeared. What's left behind is shame, but when he looks at Monty at his side, he wants to fight it so he can finally say what he needs to. 

The speech involves his intimacy issues, his lack of romantic experience due to it, and how bad he just is at all of this. Monty listens in silence. 

“I think you explained yourself just fine”, he says finally. “I haven't felt like you have trouble being intimate with me. You're doing better than you let yourself think.” 

“I want you to pin me down and kiss me when you fuck me.” 

Despite their state of dress and what went down only minutes ago between them, Monty blushes. “Um? Is that a request or?” 

“Future reference.” 

“Your honesty bursts are brutally shameless, aren't they?” 

“Maybe...”

Monty kisses his shoulder. “I like it. I like you.” 

“I like you.” Nathan rolls on his side and kisses his lips. Monty touches his still wet cheek. He leans into the touch. “Sorry I kind of... cried on you.”

“You can do whatever you want with me. It doesn't take a genius to see you've had shitty relationships or whatever in the past. You can talk about them to me. I want you to feel comfortable.” 

Nathan buries his face in Monty's neck with a groan. “Oh god. We're dating, aren't we?” 

“Oh yeah. Totally. You waited till the sixth date to have sex with me. We're _committed_ by your standards.” 

“Dick.” Nathan pinches his bicep. “I have to tell you something.” 

“Go ahead.” 

“The reason my past... _things_ failed is because of me. I told you about my medication and everything and -- I'm really messy. Emotionally.” 

“Do you cry every time after sex?” 

“I'm serious. But no. I've never done that before.” 

Monty starts running his fingers up and down his back. “We don't have to sleep together if you don't want to. And you can go home any time.” 

“That's not -- I blamed myself for not making it work before.” He's just letting himself talk again, but he can't help it. “I really tried every time. Tried to make it feel right. Because I always thought there might not be a next person who bothered to care.” 

Monty's fingers still. Nathan holds his breath against his neck. 

“Oh.”

“I don't want this - us - to be like that. This is good. I swear. I'm not forcing it now. I feel better with you.” 

“It's okay.” Monty holds him a little tighter. “I trust you.”

“I want to fall in love with you.” 

Monty stays silent for a moment before pulling back to face him. “And for me to kiss you when I fuck you. I'm making a list.” 

Nathan laughs, leaning their foreheads together. “Do you want to confess to using humor as a way to avoid expressing your emotions now?” 

“Oh, no.” Monty shakes his head. “That's tenth date shit. You'll just have to wait to unlock my tragic backstory.” 

“You're the worst.”

“True. Now, should we talk about me making sweet love to you so we can cure your downer comedowns?” 

Nathan groans and rolls away from him. Monty breaks into giggles as he starts smacking him with a pillow. 

He stays.

\--

When Monty holds him down and looks into his eyes, Nathan believes he wants him. He doesn't feel guilty initiating things because they also have dinner and laugh at silly animal videos together. Monty chats to him and kisses him breathless when they're cooling off. They talk to each other even when it feels hard. The itch to flee starts fading away. He gets comfortable. 

For Wells and Bellamy’s engagement party they're all gathered. The party continues late into the night with just their small group of people. 

Nathan sits on the balcony with Maya, Raven, Bellamy and Lincoln. Luna's inside chatting quietly to Wells about a book they've both just read. They've been at it for over a half an hour. Harper’s curled up on the couch, fast asleep. Anya and Monty look like they're about to follow, their heads leaning towards each other. 

The sun is about to rise, the air crisp and misty. Bellamy sits in Raven’s lap to keep her warm. Maya has three blankets wrapped around herself while Lincoln and Nathan share one thrown over them. 

“This is one hell of a poetic moment right here”, Bellamy says, coughing lightly as he hands over the blunt to Maya. “Years later, we're all back together, watching the sunrise with our significant others dozing off inside.”

“Getting high”, Raven adds, poking him in the stomach. 

“We didn't do too bad, did we.” Maya waves the smoke out of her face. “We're all still friends. One out of five married, soon two.” 

“I'm, like, proper in love with Monty”, Nathan says. “Me. In love.” 

“It's about time, sweetcakes. You have lots of love to give.” Maya leans her head on his shoulder since every other part of her is wrapped up. 

“Well, that's it for the weed. Should we scatter?” Raven asks. “It's chilly as fuck out here.” 

“We'll meet up tomorrow for lunch, yeah?” 

“Obviously.” She pulls on one of Bellamy's curls. “Time to release me, Blake.” 

Bellamy gets up but drags her in a hug once she's up. “I love all of you.”

“We love you too, Bell. You need to go to bed.” Raven guides him inside. 

Lincoln and Luna are staying in the guest bedroom. Harper and Maya plan on crashing at Raven’s because it's closest by.

“You smell”, Monty complains as Nathan comes to drag him up. 

“We were reminiscing. Come on, let's go.” 

They say their goodbyes. Bellamy gives him a kiss to the cheek, petting his hair for a moment. Nathan figures it's his way of saying he's happy for him. 

The girls go their way and only the two of them are left walking towards Monty's. Monty swings their clasped hands between their bodies as he hums to distract himself from the cold seeping inside their jackets. Nathan's head is filled with smiles and the heat of Monty's hand in his. 

He's 28 when he falls in love for the second time. Monty has kind eyes and Nathan's trusted him with his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> rewrite is still in the works i have almost 3 chapters written and i'll start publishing after the no white saviors allowed exchange which yall should keep an eye out for i think the posting day is the 21st of this month so lots of fanworks coming out then 
> 
> [tumblr post](http://natharmiller.tumblr.com/post/150269264092/draw-that-line-when-it-starts-to-get-too-real)


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